“is she any good?”

the BF, being the wonderful nerd-boy that he is, followed through. when Famous Author’s spouse emailed to confirm a lesson time, he asked about a possible sit down for me. it got shot down, but FAS (Famous Author’s Spouse) offered to read the first chapter of a work in progress. seems FAS handles the business side, which the BF thinks is pretty typical of most artists-just no head for business. anyway, the first thing FAS said was, “is she any good? i know you love her, but is she any good?”

christ. who the hell knows? the people over on scribophile, that time-suck of a website that i haven’t set virtual foot in for almost a year, thought i had some talent. but. they aren’t professionals. while their critiques were welcome and often informative, they weren’t quite enough. a few friends have read through parts of vanishing and enjoyed it, but weren’t really able to offer any constructive thoughts on how it might be improved.

(i have to interrupt myself here: zen is snoring. if you’ve never heard a cat snore, it’s kind of funny, and really distracting at first. you keep twisting around thinking what is that noise?)

i’ve been so busy working on shadowdemon that i haven’t given a hell of a lot of thought to anything else. getting back into the swing of constructing intellectually challenging sentences and paragraphs might be a bit much for my overtaxed brain at this point. especially since i just spent the last hour catching up on kastil evenshade’s romance novel book club, a piece she started on scribophile when i was still haunting the queues and forums like a ghost looking for a home. i’d actually gone on to look for the critiques from what i’d posted previously, only to find that i’d deleted it. and the only copy i had was on my computer at work. crap.

i did re-read the opening days of vanishing not too long ago. and…it needs work. possibly quite a bit of work. i’m not about to pass genre fiction off to the FAS. not when FA writes such bloody great prose. i just looked at it, re-read it, and immediately shut it down. much too daunting. and with all the paranormal crap i’ve been filling my brain with, i think i might have to re-read house of leaves to get myself back into the creepy, depressing, ultra-dark headspace that is frankie’s mind. yay?

it might be a good idea for me to do it, though. work on shadowdemon is going well, although for some reason the last couple of days i’ve been in edit mode, re-writing a bunch of chapters i’ve already written. i had a conversation with the BF last night over dinner about my need to kill someone else. of course, in true me fashion, we sit down to dinner, and the first words out of my mouth are “i think i need to kill more people.” i have to wonder what the other diners thought. tee-hee!

so. back to the original question. it kind of sent a punch straight to my gut. i mean, here’s this FAS, who probably gets inundated with requests such as this one on a regular basis, and the last thing i want is an obligation. do not read my material because you feel you ought to. i want you to read it out of a genuine desire to help me. now i have to decide whether i want to put this out there and possibly (or probably?) have it ripped into itty-bitty shreds.

i don’t know, FAS. i don’t know if i’m any good. i think the better question is whether i want to find out.

*image via keychangesmusictherapy.com

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