so. i mentioned my previous obsession with time, and lack of it. and lately i’ve been feeling more and more crunched. do you know exactly how much time in the evening i have to myself? two hours. which means i have to choose between studying, writing, reading, watching tv, or a crafty project thingy.
today, i skipped the gym after work (and shush. i already feel guilty about it.) this was, ostensibly (i love that word!) to get a whole shit ton of stuff done. i was going to knock out the next reading assignment for my last CEBS exam, spend some time trying to finish my book, order my new walking jacket, finish my magazine, write a blog entry, and work on vanishing.
instead, i dyed my hair.
now, it’s a nice light red color, and although i was aiming a little more for kari byron’s hair color, it’s good enough for now. plus i grabbed the wrong box-it’s the wash out in a month kind, not the permanent kind. but even though the directions say 10 minutes, it still took almost an hour, what with changing my clothes, working the color in, letting it set, then rinsing it out and drying it.
yeah, my whole afternoon plan kinda went out the window. but! i did actually spend almost an hour before dinner working on my manuscript. do you have any idea how hard it is to work dialogue into something that a) didn’t have any before and b) you’re not all that certain you’re good at writing dialogue?
which brings me to my point. seriously. i do have a point. i haven’t been taking any time lately to write. vanishing has been stuck in park for a while (i’m not all that satisfied with the two entries i made recently) and even with this blog i’ve been lapsing. i think a lot of it has to do with the damn CEBS. i’ve been devoting the better part of my weekday evenings to those books and study guides for over a year and a half now, and while the end is in sight, i’m fuckin’ exhausted. mentally and physically worn out. so when i decide to not study for an evening, like i’m doing this evening, i spend it reading for fun. yeah, i’d pretty much rather read than eat most times. this is so zen will stop aroo’ing at me-he’d prefer that i remain seated so he can claim my lap for himself.
i could lie and tell you that it’s not that i don’t WANT to spend time writing. but, well…i’ve run into the same problem i used to run into whenever i’d start a new story. i’d go like gangbusters for a few hours, a few days, sometimes even weeks. then i’d run out of steam and stop. and i’m afraid i’ve hit my wall. i want to finish the story. i HAVE to finish it. i know exactly how it will end, and i need to get it out. and the one thing that never fails to cheer me up is to look at the word count for the blog of vanishing (current count: 14,500+ up to the end of frankie’s latest panic attack). i made some progress this week; i spent about a half hour working on my new story, and then of course today was another almost hour. but it’s just not…enough.
it doesn’t help that i keep self-editing my own thoughts and will type, then delete, about 100 words before i finally just throw up my hands and say the hell with it. i was going to try and get this done within a half hour so i could order my jacket, browse clothes at the gap, then go do my cat chores and finish my magazine before bed. aaannndd…fail. half hour’s up, and i’m not quite done yet.
i need a plan. a writing plan. i need to actually stick to my original goal of a half hour of writing. but it should be modified. a half hour of writing on vanishing? or any writing? does a blog entry count? how many days? do i devote more time on the weekends? do i continue writing posts at work (on my lunch break, i promise!), to save my evening time for non-blogging endeavors?
screw it. i’m going shopping.